Journey on the banana pancake trail…

I felt lonely.

Even with all these young people around me, there was a bit of a disconnect. It was also partly my fault because I had done no research into what this whole backpacking thing was about. All I knew was that backpacking was a very Western thing: it was only white tourists with these backpacks that I saw growing up in Malaysia. Was I just doing it because it seemed like an adventure or I just wanted to truly soak up what the world had to offer? A bit of both. But it wasn’t even about that.

I really underestimated how much I needed that cultural connect when I was travelling.

It really bothered me that I couldn’t figure out if I was too Malaysian to be doing this or not British enough. The sort of holiday I had mainly before were family holidays with giant suitcases and pre-planned tour itineraries: very stereotypically Asian. My parents were too terrified of diverting away from anywhere that was even a little off the beaten track.

When my partner and I did go to hostels, I sometimes felt a bit out of place. It wasn’t that I was necessarily scanning the hostels for minorities to hang with, but the subconscious mind is a funny thing.

The longer I travelled, the longer I missed my sense of belonging.

After all, it is only natural to want to stick to communities you know in foreign places (I’ve been there) but never did I think for a second that traveling would bring out my inner conflicts! An example of the cultural differences would be the way the evenings are spent; the British side tends to have more of a drinking culture whereas the Asian side centres around a night market foodie scene. I found myself dialling up my Western side and diluting my Asianness to ‘fit’ in. Sounds familiar? It’s a common theme in the Asian diaspora. Sometimes I just said I was British only because it was easier to explain with the accent. But truly, that was not what rang with my heart. Otherwise, it would have been obvious question marks on people’s faces when I said that I was Malaysian.

‘But you sound British’. ‘Yes, I spent half my life now in the UK. But I’m actually of Indian descent.’ Then it was another explanation of how Malaysia is a melting pot of three races, etc, etc. Writing this conversation down now seems like it wasn’t a long one. But when you’re meeting a lot of people repeatedly, it was labour intensive.